By Rakeem Johnson
Columnist

Recently, I read an article stating that many Americans have different views on exactly what sex is.

Many people do not classify oral or manual stimulation as sexual acts, while others go as far as to classify kissing as intercourse.

Even our politicians have further added to the confusion. South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford claimed that he had “crossed lines with many women over the years.”

And of course, everyone’s favorite fun-loving former President “Wild” Bill Clinton found himself in hot water after he “did not have sexual relations with that woman.”

Apparently, nobody told “He-Man” Hilary that oral stimulation is not sex. Well, after so much confusion, I shall clarify what exactly sexual intercourse is.

So for the sake of all my fellow college students, especially those poor incoming freshmen, here are the top 10 ways to know that what you did at that party last night was actually sex:

10. If you woke up in someone else’s bed, with no idea where your pants or underwear went, then you probably had sex.

9. If what you did last night resembles birds or bees, then you probably just had sex. (Seriously, I have no idea what Mama was talking about. Can somebody explain the metaphor for me?)

8. If you wore a condom, or at least should have, then you probably had sex. (Little known fact: Most condom boxes state that they are meant to be used for carnal relations. This should be your first sign.)

7. If it resulted in pregnancy, then it was probably sex. (You do not have to be a biology major to understand how human reproduction works.)

6. If it felt good at the time, but afterward you had an intense feeling of shame or guilt, then you probably had sex.

5. If there was a part of your body inside another person, or vice versa, then you probably had sex.

4. If you did anything with the word “job” in it, then you probably had sex.

3. If you get a STD from it, then you probably had sex. (If it hurts to use the bathroom or there are living creatures living on you that should be a red flag )

2. If you did it to get an “A,” then you probably had sex.

1. If any human reproductive organs were involved in any way, then you probably had sex. Actually that’s exactly what sex is. It is actually pretty simple.

Some notable exceptions include playing Twister (there is always a little slip up) and watching Year One (Seriously, am I the only one that felt a little screwed after that movie? Jack Black, please refund my money!)

But, all joking aside, the lack of a definition for sex is a dangerous problem.

The rate of STDs and teenage pregnancy are skyrocketing because teenagers and adults do not understand what qualifies as sexual relations.

Sex has a very simple definition: sexually motivated phenomena or behavior.

Whether it is oral, manual or reproductive, it is sex. Parents and teachers need to teach children that sexual intercourse incorporates a wide range of activities.

So, no matter what you are doing, be sure to use safer sex practices (there is really no such thing as perfectly safe sex), or just practice abstinence.

It is our duty to protect ourselves and others from the dangers that can be associated with a sexually active life.

We have to step in to curb this trend of confusion on the issue of sex if we want to stop the rise of STDs and accidental pregnancy.

Before I go, let me add one more sure way to know if you had sex. If you wrote this article, then you definitely did not have sex.